The boys are back in town

Ian and Julian were in Waco for a few days this week, which left me alone in this house for more hours than I've been alone here since Julian was born (not much of an exaggeration, even with the long days of work I had this week...). Toddlers don't leave you much space or time for yourself. It's just a fact that parents of young ones grow to accept. I fight it still (Putting him down for a nap at 9:30 instead of 10 or ignoring his shouts of "mom" that start 20 minutes after we both go down for a nap, for example.) but there's little use. He's interested in everything in the house except his things. The DVDs are particularly of interest, especially since he's figured out how to reach the eject button even though it's as high and far from his reach as we can get it. Friends, babysitters, even family members — everyone but fellow newish parents — have a hard time really understanding the attention and energy required to tend to, much less entertain and educate, a 19-month-old.

That's where Ian gets the super gold stars. I've officially decided that staying at home with Julian full time is not anything I'd want or would be capable of doing. It's getting to the point where Ian, too, is having to make the conscious decision to continue with the current childcare situation. We've been talking about finding somewhere for him a few days a week, which I hope will happen in the next few months. It would be good for everyone in this house to have some more time to him or herself.

My time away from the child is taken up pretty wholly with work or work-related activities. Thankfully, that also means I've been eating some fine food and meeting some fabulous people. I even got to go to the circus this week! That food price story on Wednesday ended up being more work than I thought it would be, but it was worth it to try to explain why some of H-E-B's prices have dropped amid the largest food price increases since 1990.

Thanks to neighbor/sound guy Pat, we got to see the lovely Patty Griffin last night at the Austin City Limits studio on the UT campus. It was a great show; the live rendition of "Bad News" kicked ass and her last song, which she wrote for a graduating class, brought tears to my eyes. Sunday is My Morning Jacket, which I'm having a surprisingly hard time finding a partner to go with. Triste. They are too good to miss.

A (not really all that terribly) troublesome toddler

With his 18 month birthday, Julian officially entered toddlerhood this week, but to Ian and me, it's been a long milestone coming. He's been kissing, crawling, climbing, "no"-ing, "juice"-ing, laughing, playing, tickling, swimming -- all those toddler things that either make you melt or make you crazy. We've found parenthood this book of chapters that get both easier and harder the further you get along.

For example, he sleeps and sleeps, which we're eternally grateful for, but when he's up, he's up, and you don't really get a break until he's sleeping again. Before, when he was waking up and breastfeding and such, you could (relatively) go about your business. Not that this is different than any other kid in history, but when you're in it, you really understand this for the first time. You also start to understand that as soon as you *get* it, it all changes and it's like the first day of class all over again.

It's been long days for Ian while I'm at work, but he's figuring out how not to lose his sanity and still be a full-time parent, a feat I have so much respect for. And I go through the quintessential working mom emotions: feeling guilty for not spending enough time with Julian on one hand and on the other hand feeling slightly ashamed of the relief that sometimes accompanies walking out the door and into my other life.

It's been hard for me to balance my full-time work and also to alleviate some of the stress of his full-time work. And equally difficult, Ian's on call nearly every day for whatever strange schedule or event that comes up that takes me away from him and J.

But it's such a marvelous way to spend your days.

Our neighbor Fern, the one with no short-term memory who walks her dog Lucky about a dozen times a day, always reminds us of what a wonderful life ahead we have. "Don't you feel sorry for people who don't want to have children," she asks. "They don't know what they are missing out on."

She also always asks us when, not if, we're going to have another. That's a whole other story, a scenario I cannot possibly imagine right now. Our plates are full, and we're happily busy and occupied with one dog and one child (who just yesterday started saying sometime similar to "good girl" to Shiva).

For all the energy it takes to raise a child, you get it back tenfold, not over the course of a lifetime, but in the span of a few minutes or seconds, in moments like the one below, when Julian got to play with his cat friend, Toby.

It's the hardest job we'll ever do, and it ain't over yet.

Julian has a song for you

And here's a video to file under "General Cuteness"



He's picking up new words each day, "meat" being a popular one these days. He's getting pickier, or at least went through a pretty picky phase last week. We'll see if it continues.

Bought a little potty for him to play with this week. The concept of excrement is confusing him, but he's interested enough that we thought it would be fun for him to be exposed to a mini toilet.

He's be 18 months in a few days. Can hardly believe it.

Just one more snuggle

Fellow toddler mom Jenny posted something about her son Ollie that resonated with me today. He and Julian are almost the same age, and they are both at this stage of intense and physical of love and play.

He feels free to touch us, pat us, lash out at us, snuggle up to us, or in my case, nurse, http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifas if we don't have separate bodies but are extensions of each other.

It is funny to think about how this will slowly fade away as he gets older. It has already done so, some, and will continue to. There will be a time where he and I will think it inappropriate or weird to snuggle up to me as he does (especially since right now he is fond of snaking one hand into my bra). And there will be a time where he will no longer have sweet baby skin to caress on his back or tummy and I will not be able to give him all the kisses I want, while he giggles for more.

Julian likes the sensory experience of taste and touch, so he loves fingers in the mouth, be it sucking his own thumb or feeling mommy's molars. It's amazing how even Ian gives up nearly every bit of personal space for Julian to explore. He climbs all over me, using my limbs as a ladder and my hair as handle bars. I'm his La-Z-Boy, his horse and his skateboard. He pokes my eyes and inspects my toes. He's so curious about the human body, both his own and others'.

He is a snuggler, but I think it could already be fading. Each time I hold him, hoping that he'll stay still a little longer. A little longer. What is it about that baby skin? I think about losing the intimacy to nuzzle that soft neck when he gets older, and then I remember how gradual and natural it happened between me and my parents. Never gone, just different ways of expressing emotions. But they taught me well, so I know good and well that I can still look forward to playing mama Shamu well into elementary school.

I, too, am sad at the thought of the day when he won't want to give me such big, sloppy kisses, so I just try to enjoy as many of them as I can now.

Julian photos June 2008

Whew! A story, a column, several blog posts, a handful of Tweets and now an updated addiebroyles.com, I've been busy all over the place but on the blog! Lots happening with the Fourth of July (I went downtown with some neighbors to watch the fireworks and check out the portable pool at the Beauty Bar), a long weekend (Barton Springs, and — get ready, casino-lovers — Chuck E. Cheese) and a full week to recover from (see above and next Wednesday's Statesman).

It's been an on-the-go month. Julian and I met up with Dallas Erin in the middle of the month and took a colossal (or maybe it just felt that way in the middle of Oklahoma with a fussy kid) and totally awesome road trip to visit our friends Rachel and Russell (we lived with Rachel in Spain). Picked some blueberries, hung out with the grandparents and PDX visitors. Made me wish we all didn't live quite so far apart.

Julian's setting the pace for our summer. He's an energetic toddler these days, climbing on top of the table, lovingly throwing trash away and talking to any stranger or animal or inanimate object he encounters. I didn't catch any photos of our swimming adventures this month (Julian is into sitting on the edge and falling in, with a half second underwater, to mommy's arms) or of the regular barbecues we've been having with our neighbors. Or just the plain jane afternoon tickle fests, where we all fall down on the pillows and make funny noises and laugh ourselves breathless.

Ruby + Mangos = One Happy Julian

Julian's such a freakin' delight to have around. He's a happy child, whose few tantrums don't seem to affect the true nature of who he is. He figured out how to say "Ruby" and "mango" today. Ian's got him saying something that could be discerned as "yellow," and I swear the kid told me my necklace was "pretty." In baby talk, of course. Anyway, here's a few of his new words, plus the crazy happy spinning dance we should all do when sometime elevates our spirits.

Joyous days

I started my new job as food writer today! It feels so good to finally be starting, and I'm so enthusiastic about what's on the go already. The food blog will be launching soon; I'll let you know when it does.

Yesterday marked Mother's Day and the two week notice until the wedding. Holy cow. Everything seems to happen at once, eh? We celebrated the dia de la madre at Freddie's over some drinks and the most delicious onion rings on the planet. Julian got to play on the playset they have there, and as you can see by the video, listen to some cool music and meet some new people. I took some spiffy video with my new camera and I tried out a new video editing program to put it together.




Julian has been so sweet lately. Giving hugs and kisses and wanting to snuggle in the most adorable ways. We went on a glorious hike the other day on the Greenbelt and were surprised with water flowing at Twin Falls. We found a shady tide-pool-esque spot to sit and explore the rocks and fresh water while Shiva romped in the creek. Proof enough to me that a super special Mother's Day isn't limited to one day a year.

I read an especially wonderful Mother's Day blog post today. It's from Noble Pig, a food blog I read. She's a mom to two boys and watching them grow through those pictures and her words is really touching.

Sueños con España

Blame the nisperos, but Spain has been on my mind this week, even moreso after reading Lucy McCauley's "Lesson from the Road" essay on mothering.com. She wrote about traveling in Europe with her kiddo and how wonderfully different (and challenging) it was. I can only imagine, but what I wouldn't give to try. Here's her take:

On our final day in Madrid, when I was trying to get us out the door to see some last sites, my daughter stopped me mid-motion. Unceremoniously plopping her little bum on my lap, she sat looking out the balcony windows, contentedly drinking from her sippy cup, as if we had nothing else to do. When I tried to move and get us both up and going, I was stopped by the sheer pressure of her body—and by the view in front of me, which I hadn't taken time to really notice before.

Two windows opened onto a wrought-iron balcony and a clear-skied fall morning in Madrid. Sunlight played on an ancient, five-story, ochre-stained building across the way. Each floor had balconies, and the shades were pulled out and over them—how the Spanish let in the air and keep out the sun. The scent of café con leche wafted up from the streets below, and I could hear people greeting one another in staccato phrases as they passed by.

We sat a long time gazing out that window, my baby and I, taking it all in as if we had nowhere else in the world to be, as if we had come all the way to Spain for just that moment. And in a way, I guess you could say we had.

Alicante, Spain, September 2003

The netiraptor, part 2

Julian's pediatrician had no idea what a netiraptor was, but she was very familiar with respiratory funk, which she confirmed Julian has, and sent me home with a nebulizer instead. Asthma doesn't run in my family, but my grandmother, GaGa, has a similar contraption that she uses every day. (The details of her losing the bottom half of each of her lungs is another story...) Now, little Julian gets to use one for the next few days to get rid of this reactive airway disease (also known by its undoubtedly much cooler acronym, RAD) he's developed. No, mom, he doesn't have asthma. Just a cold or allergies or something that made his air passageways constrict. Some misty albuterol should do the trick in no time, the doctor said.

She also said she loved us on What Not to Wear. :)

We used a a nebulizer at the office, and his wheezing cleared up right away. And by the time we got home, his sinus passages apparently had, too. Here's my artistic rendering.

No biting, Julian

Julian's been growing and changing a lot these past few weeks. When I got back from New York, he was giving high-fives. Then, Ian got him to start saying "yes," which really sounds more like "jes." Only now is he getting the hang of what it actually means. He still calls most four-legged creatures "do" and both mom and dad "da." Ian and I have a theory that he does know "mama," but that he'll only use it around Ian. It's a case of "mama" being The Name That We Do Not Speak in my presence. He points to himself when you ask where the baby is and claps whenever he hears applause. He's backing himself off the bed and furniture, but isn't quite crawling on top. No back teeth just yet, but I know they are on their way.

His teeth have been a little bit of an issue this week. We've been watching Ruby while Sarah's at school and Aaron's at work, and Julian has taken to biting Ruby on
occasion. I've only caught him once, but I know it's happened a few times, either at their house or ours. My first real instance of feeling guilty for my child's behavior.

But something I'm not feeling guilty about is shutting down the milk factory. It wasn't as much a decision as I thought it would be. I pumped when I was in New York, but when I got back, Julian just wasn't as interested. He and Ian had been getting along fine with just cow's milk. I fed him once or twice when I got home from the trip, but then just stopped. Breastfeeding has been easier to let go of than I thought it would be. The bond that it helped form between Julian and me is still there. He got all that goodness from the milk. I feel really good about the whole experience, almost enough to forget the milk letdown (ouch!) or the leaking or the biting or the unique feeling of being a milk factory. Almost.

That's all I can think of right now that's new with Julian. He's waking up around 7:30 these days and still taking two naps, but I've heard they may start to drop one of those right about now. But then how will mommy take two naps a day?

_______________________________________________


Totally unrelated note: I have a query for you, Southwest Missouri readers. Do you remember a compliation/sampler album that Z 95.5 came out with in the mid-1990s. from KTOZ 95.5 FM? It was Z 95.5 then (now it's Alice 95.5), and was a killer radio station, wasn't it? (Cue Rachel rolling her eyes.) In my memory it really showcased the alternative scene way back then. And in junior high, one of the DJs came by a career fair and gave out these sampler CDs with everything from Desperately Wanting by Better than Ezra to Counting Blues Cars by Dishwalla to If God was One of Us by Joan Osbourne and artists such as Geggy Tah and Everclear. Now, I could be mixing us some of the artists on the playlist, but you get the idea. And I'm thinking/hoping you got one of these albums, too. I lost mine some years ago and would do anything to at least figure out what songs were on it so I make my own playlist. One of the songs I know for sure was on it is Love Songs by Fleming and John, which I present to you for this St. Valentine's Day. (Oh, and if you know anything about that album, give me a shout, or at least verify that I'm not crazy and it did exist.)




Tell me that story again, the one that has no ending.

Exiting the recovery zone

I haven't posted much on what Julian's turning one has meant for me. It's been a few weeks since the big day, which really wasn't that big of deal. I didn't expect any revelations to come immediately, but a few have come in the time since.

I feel like the first year of Julian was a recovery zone. Maybe it was the C-section that really knocked me off guard physically for the first couple of months. Or maybe all mothers feel this. Everything was off because everything was new. The first few (dozen?) times you go to the grocery store with the baby, it's a strange adventure. Same with going to visit your parents or friends. It's easily six months before the things you did before feel remotely "normal" but even then, it seems a vaguely familiar version of your pre-baby life. I think it took even more months for life with Julian to feel as natural as life without him did. I mean, we're still working on that, but it's leaps and bounds better than even just a few months ago.

The interrupted sleep I think really starts to get to you, too. And Julian is truly an all-star sleeper! I can't imagine what some of my mommy friends are going through with babies still waking up all night. It can really screw with your head. Just like the whiny, pick-me-up cry that Ian still cringes at. And I had my own aches and pains post delivery; I can only imagine the aches and pains that lingered for some of my fellow mommies.

It doesn't take a scientist to tell you that babies are so adorable, especially to their parents, because it makes them harder to resent for making life so difficult at times. But cuteness aside, there's something so intrinsically gratifying about raising Julian that makes all of the hardships easier. I tried to describe it to some of the What Not to Wear crew members who are contemplating babies, all of whom were over 30 and looking at my 24-year-old self like I was a nut for having a kid "so early." But they just didn't get it. Moving to Brooklyn, giving up their Manhattan lifestyle were foremost on their minds. I tried to delicately tell them that post-baby, those concerns that seem like such monumental hurdles to parenthood become insignificant.

It sounds like I had an awful first year of motherhood, doesn't it? Being on the other side of baby's first year is just allowing me to be really honest with myself about how difficult it was. It's still challenging, don't get me wrong, but that year, that recovery zone, is just now starting to fade. I'm starting to be able to do more things for myself that I didn't feel I could last year. I'm taking some online classes, planning a family vacation and a wedding, renewing my passion for running, thinking about joining a fall softball league. Ian is, too. He's getting down and dirty with this recording unit to finish the album he started. He's able to juggle Julian and his own wants and desires a little better. We're both in consistently better moods despite the wrenches Julian may throw in our plans.

But no one could have told me about that year, just like no one can really tell me about the years to come. You have to live it for yourself to really understand it. Religious folks all my life have talked and talked and talked until they are blue in the face about faith. And if I go on and on about the topic of faith here, I will join them. Suffice it to say that having Julian has solidified my belief that faith is an action that others do not have right to doubt. We all have brains and ambition and instinct. So when Ricci volunteers in Senegal, my best friend from high school remarries a year after she divorces, the Shelton family prepares to welcome a wee brother or sister for Julian's baby friend Adeline and BAT picks up her life in Austin and moves to the sure-to-be-fabulous Steamboat Springs, Colo., wish them well. Acknowledge that they are living the life they intend.

I'd like to think that's what we're all trying to do here.

The forecast

I've been working during the day this week, which has thrown everything off in more ways than one. Ian's about ready to lose it staying home all day with the little guy. And I know what he means: It's totally different watching him for 8 daytime hours than 8 evening hours. I can't imagine how stay-at-home parents with partners who work normal hours do it. It's ridiculously exhausting to parent by yourself during the most active time of the day. So I don't blame Ian for being on edge a little this week.

Blogging clearly has taken a hit, too. But we're all hoping for a respite here in the next little while when we go to Missouri to visit my family for Christmas. I couldn't be more excited about the trip, if only for the break from a rascally 11-month-old.

I will post more from the northern hinterlands, where snow is in the forecast. So is some extra sleep and free time.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Babbling

I can't believe it's taken me this long to discover babble.com. The site's very cool, very hip creators have self-proclaimed it the "The magazine and community of a new generation of parents," and though I admit how interesting and relevant I find the content, it does scream hipster. (And in the work/social circles I find myself in, this is as pejorative a term as any.) Skinny jeans notwithstanding, you have to marvel at the intriguing collection of columns/blogs/essays they present.

Exhibit A: "Breast friends"
#Pondering the idea of breast-feeding your soulmate's offspring.

Exhibit B: "The Over-Parenting Crisis" by the woman who wrote the book "Attachment Parenting" way back in 1999.
#About the over-ambitious attachment parenting movement that is having major unintended effects on kids whose lives are disinfected, micromanaged and fretted over from Day 1.

Exhibit C: "This is the part where I name drop"
#Hanging out with Dave Grohl-the-daddy not Dave Grohl-the-badass-lead-singer-of-the-Foo Fighters.

I'm very intrigued by the idea of pitching stuff to them. But what stuff? This blog? That essay I wrote back in the spring? Maybe this is the swift kick in the rear I needed to start writing more seriously again. We shall see what comes of it.

Anyway. Babble.com. Check it out if you're interested in parenting methods.

If you are interested in modern, melancholy photography, I have two recommendations.

Bluejake.com
#One of the founders of Gothamist.com keeps a photoblog of the architecture and intrinsic beauty of a forgotten side of New York City.


3191
#A year of mornings, captured by two friends who live 3191 miles apart.


And don't forget. PostSecret is updated on Sundays. Ya know, if you're a PostSecret kind of gal.

The sweet sound of inclusivity

I can't wait to hear these words from Julian's mouth. From a favorite time-waster of mine, Overheard in New York.

Mom, about man on train with flowers: Awww, he has flowers. They're probably for his girlfriend.

Eight-year-old daughter: Mom, you never know! They could be for a boy.

--LIRR

via Overheard in New York, Oct 26, 2007